Flowers On A Razor Wire
by shesawildone
Summary: Bella has been diagnosed with HIV. She did not take the news well, Renee not knowing how to handle her unruly daughter ships her off to Forks. Will meeting Edward help save Bella?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Flowers On A Razor Wire  
Author: AmyLee

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, none of the Twilight saga is mine. Everything belongs to Stephanie Meyer et al. I am a poor, penniless college student who merely needs a break from papers. This is purely for entertainment purposes.

Summary: Bella has been diagnosed with HIV. She did not take the news well, Renee not knowing how to handle her unruly daughter ships her off to Forks. Will meeting Edward help save Bella?

Warning: This deals with some mature content. Please be advised when reading.

Rating: Mature Adult.

Feedback: Yes please. This is my first attempt at writing anything. I'd love to her your thoughts.

01.

The car ride from the airport to Charlie's was silent, neither of us having much to say. I shut my eyes, feigning sleep just in case Charlie felt the need to remedy the silence. Merely a precaution though, I doubted he would, both of us not big on small talk.

I wrapped my arms tighter around my stomach, cursing the cold Forks weather in my head. A drink would be nice right now. I thought of the bottle of bourbon I had hidden at the bottom of my back pack, I yearned to feel the burn of the liquid on my throat. The precious contents of that glass bottle would surely warm my insides. It would also cure the dull aching of my head, reminding me it had been too long since my last drink.

Two plane rides and a forty-five minute car ride was a sobering experience. I knew it was only a matter of time before Renee would lose her patience with me; exile me to Forks as a last resort to save her daughter - a daughter who died a little over a year ago.

I suppose Renee thought it'd be harder for me to get into trouble under the roof of a sheriff, in a town with only one highway and a handful of occupants.

I tried not to blame my mother, she generally was not used to having to take care of me, it was only natural for her to freak when the responsibilities of parenting were forced onto her. Up until I was fifteen I took care of Renee. I was the responsible parent, my mother the flighty child. She took the role reversal as well as I did. Hence, me being exiled to Forks.

"I got you all set up for school." Charlie said, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Great." I responded with a little too much sarcasm. I saw Charlie flinch. Normally I'd feel guilty. However, at the moment I was having a hard time, my head was pounding, and my anger over the whole situation had not subsided. I'd be eighteen in less than a year and my parents had gone behind my back to yank me out of my senior year of high school and transplant me to Forks.

"I talked to your teachers, you shouldn't be behind. Forks High School is actually a little slower paced." Charlie admitted almost seeming embarrassed.

There would have been a time that I'd care. I used to be a good student, mostly A's with the occasional B, usually in math. Truthfully I don't think I remember much from the last year of my education. I don't really remember much of anything from my last year of existence. If you could even call it that. My time was spent drinking, smoking, and enjoying anything that held the least bit of danger.

If you were already handed a death sentence, what was the point of living? I'd been given pamphlet after pamphlet on all sorts of literature, dealing with grief, learning how to live again, all sorts of bullshit. When a doctor tells you at fifteen you have HIV, there's not much to live for.

I don't know if it is ironic or funny or both; but before I was handed my death sentence I had been a straight laced kid. I'd never tried a drug in my life, had plans for college, had plans for a future.

Forget what they tell you in sex ed; you don't have sex because all guys lie. They tell you they love you, they tell you they've never had sex before, they tell you that you are their future; and you believe them. Stupidly you believe them. Next thing you know, HIV positive.

They lying bastard had been sleeping around. He didn't feel the need for protection, you were young and innocently dumb… the only consolation prize, if you could even call it that was the jerk that killed you, killed you and won't admit it, is slowly dying as well. What a relief…

Connell was the first and only guy I've ever slept with. He was perfect, with his dark shaggy hair, pale blue eyes, muscled body, and was oozing from head to toe with charm. And when he smiled, every girl melted. I fell into him one day, after tripping on my other foot. The textbooks in my hand flying every which way, one even managing to hit Connell's eyes, it turned a cool shade of purples, blues, and browns. Of course he was absolutely perfect about the whole scene, laughing it off and offering to take me out to lunch.

One lunch turned into two, then three, and so on. By my sophomore year, we were dating. At the time I thought I loved him, the even bigger mistake was I thought he loved me. Connell had already graduated; he was attending the community college for a year before he headed off Arizona State University.

One weekend when Renee was away with her boyfriend Phil, Connell came over. We had sex. It was horrible. I never saw him after that; every time I called he had some sort of an excuse not to see me. About half a year later I found out I was HIV positive. Connell called me a plethora of names; I think dirty whore was my personal favorite.

I had thought about suicide for the first couple months after I learned the news. The idea of living long enough only to waste away was horrible to me. I knew the scars on my inner thighs were still there, purely superficial cuts, in a drunken rage one night months ago I wanted to make myself hurt. To feel the pain physically that I was feeling in my head. I had some smaller scale cuts on my arms as well. Faint pink lines, marring my translucent, pale skin.

I would not outright try to end my life, but I also wouldn't shy away from things considered risky by some. That and I would escape as much as possible from the pain and anger I felt.

Yeah, a drink would be nice right now. I wondered if it'd be harder to get fucked up under Charlie's roof. I wondered exactly how much Renee had told him. Had to be something mind shattering, Charlie and I weren't exactly close. I think the last time I'd seen him for an extended length of days had to be in my elementary school years. As soon as I was old enough to know the horrible dullness of Forks I had always successfully crafted an excuse not to visit. No doubt, Charlie had to be very worried if he had wanted to take me in.

I had exactly ten months, eight days till freedom. I had to keep reminding myself that fact. The day I turned eighteen I would be gone. If I made it to eighteen. I reminded myself. Maybe I'd get lucky, maybe tomorrow I'd be dead. Every pamphlet I did read reminded me of that uncertainty. Never had the word "might" held so much significance, as when it meant you might live or you might die. My body was a ticking bomb, only I didn't know when it might explode. I had a terminal illness, there was no denying that. One day I would wake up and pretty Bella would be gone, replaced by a horror covered in lesions and drenched in sweat. There was no sugar coating it, I was going to die.

Ten months, eight days to freedom. Maybe.

When we arrived at Charlie's he helped me carry myself stuff up to my room. Everything was exactly as I remembered. I could not decide if that was comforting or pathetic. A wonderful characteristic of Charlie was he didn't hover. After he carried my suitcase up to my room he left me alone. Promptly I dug for the glass bottle in the backpack, taking a huge gulp, cherishing in the feelings that washed over me.

I began to calm immediately. After taking a few more gulps, I put the bottle away. My insides warm and my head starting to spin I smiled. I would worry about my unpacking latter, right now I would sleep.

To Be Continued..


	2. Chapter 2

02.

I woke to the sound of knocking on my door. Cracking an eye open, disoriented with my surroundings, I looked around the unfamiliar, yet familiar room remembering where I was.

My room was uncharacteristically dark, the Phoenix sun a distance memory in this rainy, cold, dreary town. At least Forks matched my views on life, I thought bitterly to myself. My suitcase stood pushed against the wall where Charlie had set it down yesterday, I never awoke from my nap to unpack my scarce belongings.

"There's some breakfast downstairs." Charlie's voice, muffled from behind my closed door, said to me.

I was fairly certain Charlie's breakfast would not match the breakfast I had in mind. Lately I was pretty much on solely a liquid diet. Food had lost its appeal to me a few months prior.

"Not hungry." I rasped, clearing my dry throat, "Thanks though." I added as a second thought.

Charlie poked his head in looking very uncomfortable, "We are going to have to leave soon, I know it's kinda early for school but I need to be down at the station."

If I had any inkling that Charlie would allow me to walk to school I would have suggested it. Instead I nodded my head, pushing myself up in a sitting position.

"Oh, I thought it would also be a good to stop by the doctor, get to meet your new one." He was cautious as he spoke, watching intently to my reactions. I guess Renee had informed him of my dislike of doctor visits. "Dr. Carlisle has been an excellent new addition to the staff. All the ladies seem to like him as well." He tacked on, as if having an attractive doctor would make the fact that I was dying better. On the contrary it made things worse; who wanted to be surrounded by beautiful people when they were decaying?

"Maybe I should get settled into school first?" I proposed, hoping that was a valid excuse, "I mean, who knows how much catching up I'll have to do." I tried to sound normal, to sound cheery and upbeat. At least as upbeat as anyone talking about mounds of school work would sound.

Charlie was silent for a moment in thought. "I suppose that's fine." He finally concluded. I tried not to smile in triumph. "Can you be ready in twenty minutes?"

Lucky for Charlie I am not - and never have been - what could be considered a "normal" teenage girl. If I were twenty minutes would not be remotely close to adequate time.

"Sure." I responded, running my fingers through my tangled and slightly greasy hair. I grabbed a hair tie from around my wrist, pulling my hair away from my face in a low messy ponytail.

Charlie left my room, after seeing signs I was up and getting ready. I walked to my suitcase, pulling out the first shirt and pants I saw after opening it along with my small travel case of bathroom products. Throwing on a pair of faded blue jeans and my favorite white tee shirt; it was definitely showing signs of wear, there were small holes at the seams of the armpits, the shirt itself was thinning and discolored, no amount of bleach able to brighten it. I shuffled into the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth.

It was always a nerve wracking experience looking into the mirror every morning. I was always expecting to be greeted by an unfamiliar and gruesome looking face. Some days I breathed a sigh of relief that my face was luckily still intact, other days I wished it wasn't. I think the unknowing part of my illness was the hardest; at least when I finally wake up one morning with lesions I will know how long I have till I croak.

Returning to my room I grabbed everything I'd need for my first day of school. This included two small joints. I was actually glad Charlie had to be at the station early, this gave me time to find a quiet, secluded place to smoke before my day started. Things didn't seem to be working much different here in Forks than in Phoenix, aside from the fact I would have to attend school here. In such a small town, I doubted it would take a whole twenty-four hours before Charlie was informed of my absences in the classrooms.

I was ready in less than ten minutes. Not wanting to sit awkwardly downstairs with Charlie, I flipped open a worn and battered copy of _The Unbearable Lightness of Being_. I lost myself in the Czech physician wishing for some degree of power and freedom during times of oppression. I could relate.

Seeing that it was time to leave, I shut my book, grabbed my book bag, and went downstairs to meet Charlie. I slumped down in my seat as we got into Charlie's police cruiser- how embarrassing! The last time I'd gotten in this thing I was maybe ten. Even if I had been in a few police cars in my time, never had I been in the front seat and never was it voluntary, well semi-voluntary.

As if being the new kid wasn't already enough, I was the new kid being drove around in the police car. It was almost enough to make me contemplate giving up a habit or two of mine, maybe if I limited the number of drinks I had I could put some money aside to get a car. I didn't have to think about it too long, I knew it wouldn't happen. I loved my addictions too much, and I tried never to plan for anything in the future. My fate was sealed.

Ten months, seven days.

When we got to the school, I could tell Charlie wanted to stick around and make sure I actually went in. Unfortunately for him, there was a lot of paper work waiting for him on his desk. I watched the police cruiser round the corner headed back down the highway in the opposite direction. I waited for the taillights to disappear.

Not too far off from the school buildings was surprise, surprise shrubbery. For once I was glad of the vast greenness that Forks had to offer. I walked towards the edge of the forest, pushing asides some overgrown bushes, careful of where my feet were stepping. It would be just like me to trip over something microscopic.

Finding a rotted log, I sat down and pulled a tightly wrapped joint from my pocket. Bringing the brown piece of rolled paper to my nose I inhaled, savoring the smell. I wanted to enjoy this, but I also knew I had to be cognizant of my surroundings and the time. I pulled out my lighter and sucked in as I lit the joint.

I lavished in the feel of the hot smoke in my mouth. I closed my eyes for a second, finally able to relax. I waited as long as I could hold my breath, around twenty seconds my vision blurred and my surroundings started to spin. At count thirty-three I exhaled. I continued on in this manner, finishing about half a joint. My body tingled, my mind was racing. Hopefully the buzz would last till lunch.

The few steps back out of the forest were a lot more labored than I remember coming in. My body not wanting to move, I tripped over my feet, what felt like constantly. I laughed to myself. Somehow remembering I had school, I dug around in my book bag, producing a small bottle of perfume and some eye drops. It wouldn't be a good idea to show up with bloodshot eyes, people could get the wrong impression.

I don't remember how or when I actually made it inside the school building. I don't remember my first three classes. It was not until fourth period I felt myself coming back down to reality. I yearned for the feelings of forgetfulness. Everything was so much easier when you were only dimly aware of what was going on around you. I wanted to feel empty once again. Devoid of all emotions.

Reality was always a bitch. Apparently I had calculus fourth period.

The teacher was a tall stringy looking man with a bad comb-over. His face too oval shaped and gaunt; with a pointed chin and beady, dark eyes. He reminded me of a rat. I hated rats. I hated math.

Looking around at the rest of the students I couldn't help but notice more than a few eyes on me. I shrunk in my seat wishing I was invisible. That was the good thing about my old high school; with over three-thousand students it was easy to get lost in the crowd. I carefully stole a glance at the student sitting next to me. I almost jumped out of my seat when I saw he was looking at me, and with such intensity. Cocking an eyebrow up, I smirked in spite of myself. It was obvious this boy was admiring me, even to someone who had never really been admired before.

He quickly jerked his head back to his notebook when he realized I'd come out of my coma and was staring right back at him. Another time, another life maybe I would have found this entertaining or endearing. I honestly did not know. It was so hard to remember a simpler time for me, a time before countless medications, countless doctor's visits, a dramatically increased medical vocabulary, countless sick days. Yeah, I honestly had no idea how pre-dead Bella would have turned out. I like to think I would have been better, not such a complete an utter disappointment. Not such a faux pas. How could you yell at your dying child? I knew I was unnecessarily hard for Renee to deal with; I really did not blame her for my prison sentence to Forks.

Students were packing up. I went to mimic their actions and realized I hadn't even bothered to take my binder out in my stupor.

"Are you Isabella?" The boy asked me, holding out a hand.

I paled even more so at the action. It had been so long such anyone had offered a hand to me. Not that people were lining up, down the block to make contact me before I had HIV in my old school, but once it was leaked that I had it, I had been avoided like the plague. Not that I minded. I didn't want friends, I already felt guilty enough that Charlie and Renee would have to mourn me when I was gone. I didn't need any more guilt.

"Bella." I corrected him, shoving my hands in the back pockets of my jeans.

The boy stared at his hand for a second before awkwardly dropping it to his side. Looking back up to face me he smiled a white toothy smile, it almost looked fake. "Mike Newton. How do you like Forks?"

"It's rainy." I didn't feel like talking. Yet I felt the need to be diplomatic, for Charlie's sake I reasoned. I didn't need my visit being any harder on Charlie.

Mike Newton laughed, his blue eyes sparkled. I guess most people would consider him very attractive. He held himself with quite a confidence. "That's right; I heard you're from Phoenix. Don't worry you get used to it." He grabbed my schedule from its spot on the desk. "Nice, you have lunch with me next. C'mon I'll show you."

I blanched. Mike already walking towards the exit, I doubted he saw my reaction. This boy was going to be a thorn in my side, I could tell. I could feel myself getting irritable, the drugs quickly leaving my system. Balling my hands in tight fists I tried to remind myself that this boy only trying to be hospitable. Following a few paces behind Mike, I made my way into the noisy cafeteria.

I was introduced to a lot of different faces; I didn't remember a single name. Positioned at the end of one long table I tried to give myself as much space as possible. I also tried to listen, but petty high school gossip held little interest to me. The lunch hour could not go fast enough. Thankfully the bell finally rang signaling sixth period. I had gym. The one perk of being sick, I spent my gym time in the library.

My last class was physics. I was late; there was a mix up in building numbers. As I walked in the class got eerily silent; once again I felt the eyes of my classmates digging into me. Shoving my transfer paper in my teacher's hands I made a dash for the one empty back seat. I missed the lone backpack strap hanging out in the aisle and tripped. I jammed my hands out in front of me, preparing to brace myself for the evitable fall. It never happened. Two strong, hands were touching me. A jolt of electricity bounded through me, I gasped both from electric current and the foreign feelings of warmth. Even Renee tended to shy away from me. Before I could finish going over what transpired, the contact was gone, my body suddenly feeling very flush and heated.

I could dimly hear the sounds of my classmates' giggles. I was frozen in place. The most beautiful creature was now seated in front of me. His eyes a mossy shade of green. His skin, so pale I felt I must look tan next to him. It was not ghastly though, on the contrary, it almost had an iridescent quality to it, silky smooth and flawless. His auburn hair was a disheveled perfection. Absolutely a breathtaking, truly the most beautiful man or woman I have ever seen in my entire life. I bet high end couture models would kill for looks half as good as his.

Somehow in all my inner ramblings I had managed to make it to my seat, unfortunately next to his. I tried not to stare; firstly, because it was completely embarrassing, and second, because this boy sitting next to me was dangerous. He was going to be a hard temptation to resist; the apple would be a piece of cake next to this godlike man.

Unable to resist the sinful temptation I stole a glance. His face was even more gorgeous on second glance. Trying to steal a glimpse of those beautiful eyes of his, wanting to put a name on the exact color- maybe some type of mossy green? Only I knew that wouldn't suffice, his eyes much too perfect of a shade for any type of moss. I let my eyes travel from his face to his body, watched as the tendons and muscles in his arms flexed with each scrawl of his pen. Watching him reminded me I should be taking notes as well. I couldn't, he was completely captivating. I wondered if I could find out who he was. I hadn't seen him during lunch; I'm pretty sure with a face like that I would have noticed.

Stop it Bella! I yelled in my head. I was charting on dangerous territory. I made a promise to myself about a year back, no relations of any kind. This included friendship. Sighing dejectedly I made myself tear away from him, about to pull my notebook out to scribble some notes on the page, the final bell rang. The gorgeous boy next to me got out of his seat in one fluid motion, slinging his backpack over his shoulder he strolled out the room. Not even bothering to grace me with one last glance. I wondered he if noticed me starring? I wondered if I had been really obvious.

"That's Edward Cullen." A female voice said from behind me.

My face reddened a deep scarlet. I didn't want to turn around to face this new voice.

"I know, he's like completely gorgeous. But he doesn't date… At least no one from this school." I noted the tiny bit of bitterness her voice carried. "I'm Jessica. You must be Isabella."

"Bella." I grumbled. I did not like how much her words upset me. I shouldn't care, I shouldn't even be thinking of this boy. Why should I care if he didn't date? I didn't date!

"Oh, Bella." She corrected herself, either not aware of my harshness to her or not caring. "Anyway, I have English literature with you second period, I was going to introduce myself to you then but you seemed kind of out of it."

Out of it? Huh, oh yeah. This morning seemed like a lifetime ago. Everything seemed like a lifetime ago since Edward Cullen came into my life. This was not good. Forks' was turning out to be far more dangerous than I'd ever expected. I would need to find another distraction, and fast.

"Yeah, tired." I responded hastily. "I got to go meet my dad, he's probably waiting for me."

Walking hastily out of the classroom and into the way too crowded parking lot I didn't notice the stares as I walked towards the white car with red and blue lights sitting atop.

"How was school?" Charlie greeted me.

I shrugged my shoulders, not in the mood to talk. I was suddenly feeling very glum, and did not want to think of the reason that brought on this mood. The feelings of the warm hands around mine flashed through my mind. I shivered. They were so strong, like marble, yet also very tender and smooth. I pictured the model face that went along with the immaculate body. It was infuriating to think about. How could one man hold so much beauty? This wasn't the source of my irritation however. I was angry at myself for being so weak.

I had become an expert of not caring. I did not care about myself, I did not care about making or having friends, and I only slightly cared about Charlie and Renee- it was all I was capable of at the moment. All of a sudden some attractive looking man comes along and what, I become a swooning teenager? I become some mindless teenager incapable of keeping her hormones in check? I think not. I knew where that got you. Nowhere good.

To Be Continued...


	3. Chapter 3

03.

As we turned the corner to Charlie's I saw an unfamiliar car parked out front. I turned to my dad with questioning eyes.

"You remember Billy Black?" He asked reading my mind, smiling at the sight of his long-time friend. "We used to go fishing with him and his kids."

I definitely would not remember that.

"His son Jacob is just a few years younger than you. But he doesn't look it."

The way Charlie tacked on the last part I got the strong sense he was trying to hook me up with this Jacob boy. Charlie was definitely right though, Jacob was huge, I'd guess at least six-foot-something, very muscular. After the cruiser had been parked I hopped out, slinging my bag over my shoulder, cringing when I thought of how Edward had ever so gracefully swung his bag earlier. I would never manage such grace.

I was planning on ignoring the visitors, favoring a drink or smoke instead. Hopefully with Billy here as a distraction that would be made possible.

"Hey Bella!" A deep but cheerful voice yelled in my direction, I heard the ground crunch lightly under his heavy feet as the boy ran towards me. He caught up in a matter of seconds, his eyes shining brightly, his smile wide.

"I kind of just want to be alone." I responded not in the mood for company.

"That's cool; I'll show you an awesome spot to hang out." Jacob answered, motioning me to follow him into the woods surrounding Charlie's house.

I didn't want to follow him, but something compelled me to do so, it was a strange feeling. His presence was oddly soothing. After the third root I tripped over, Jacob grabbed my hand despite my protests, leading me deeper into the forest like a mother would lead her child around a crowded shopping mall.

Finally we stopped. I wasn't sure if we'd reached our destination or not, everything in the forest looked the same to me. Jacob sat on a mossy covered fallen tree stump. Briefly Edward's green eyes passed through me, but were pushed out of thought before I could dwell on them any longer.

Jacob took off her plaid shirt, laid it on a spot of the stump next to him, "Here," He ordered, patting the spot playfully.

I sat obediently. "So do you go to Forks?" I wondered, I hadn't seen Jacob at school today, and felt, same as Edward, if I had seen a towering beast like Jacob, I would have remembered.

"Nah," He smirked, "I go to a school on the reservation."

"Right." I felt dumb; of course he didn't go to school with me. I pulled out the rest of my joint from this morning. "You mind?" I asked, not really caring if he did.

Jacob's smile grew ten-fold, I briefly wondered why. Jacob stood up, fished around his backpack before producing a plastic bag with what looked like tissues in it. I was confused. Opening the bag he produced two small, thin, off white strips of paper. "You want?" He finally responded.

Acid. I'd only done this a handful of times, my usual rule being only natural drugs. I generally was passed the point of wanting to directly kill myself, but I was not past the point of wanting to live. That's why I tried to keep it green.

I found myself opening my mouth despite myself. It was hard to resist Jacob. He placed the strip of paper on my tongue and then repeated the action to himself. We sat in silence, the drugs on the paper being absorbed into our blood streams.

I started seeing little black jumping beans dance across the forest, I laughed as I tried to count the silly little beans. Jacob saw them too. I don't know how long we were in the forest counting, sitting, laughing, talking but it started getting very dark and cold.

Jacob's skin brushed against me as he stood then held out his hand for me. I smiled. It was oddly relaxing in his presence. I still didn't want a friend, but I did want a Jacob. Just someone to easy the loneliness I felt every day. He wouldn't be a friend, more like a companion, a drug companion. To me that sounded better than friendship. Maybe ten months and seven days wouldn't be that bad after all. Arriving back at Charlie's I saw the two men outside talking, apparently waiting for the two of us. I guess we'd been in the forest longer than I thought. Had an entire basketball game already transpired?

Jacob ran ahead of me to help his father in their car. Shutting the passenger side door, Jacob gave me a lopsided lazy smile, "See ya Bella."

"Yeah, later." I smiled back despite of myself.

I didn't look at Charlie as I walked into the house. I didn't want to see the excitement that was bound to be dancing across his features. I didn't want to answer any of his questions either, "I got a lot of homework to do." I stated; eyes focused on the ground, my mind wandering all over the place.

I took the steps to my room two at a time. I scurried to my room, grabbed my bag of toiletries and ran to the bathroom. I showered in record time, brushed my teeth and threw on a pair of sweats and a white tank top.

I didn't do my homework. Lying on my bed, my fingers lightly traced the scar on my inner arm. It had been from the first time I cut myself. It was about a month after I was diagnosed. It was when I awoke from the comatose state I had been in for a month, a month of denial. I didn't want to believe what the doctor had told me. That's when the anger started. I was angry, no angry wasn't even the right word, I was furious, livid. I hated life.

That night I cut myself for the first time. It hurt, a lot. I felt squeamish at first, the smell of rust and iron attacking my nostrils. Then I remembered, and anger replaced the squeamishness. My blood, it was wrong, defective. I hated my blood, I was angry with it. I watched in morbid fascination as my virus infected blood sprawled down my pale white arm. I sat and watched myself bleed until slowly the cut started healing over and a scab began to form. I was addicted after that, but only for a month. Slowly the adrenaline began to wear off and the queasiness began to replace it.

My next foray into addictions lasted longer. I started sneaking sips of Renee wines and liquors, when she started dating Phil, I drank his beer. I drank anything and as much as I could get my hands on. I was an alcoholic by the time Renee let herself figure that much out. She forced me to attend meetings; that's how I got into weed. I'd also done acid, ecstasy, whip-its a handful of times; and cocaine once.

By then I had been expelled from school. I'd also taken a lot of Renee's money for drugs. I don't blame Renee for sending me here, I felt guilty the entire time I lived there. I tried to be my old self, but I didn't know how. I kicked the hard drugs by the time I was exiled to Forks. Although I had, had fun with Jacob today, generally I didn't enjoy them as much. Well, maybe that wasn't entirely the case for ecstasy. Like I said, I don't blame Renee; she didn't know what else to do.

I know my appearance has changed from a year ago, I don't know how much has to do with the drugs and not caring and how much with the illness. I definitely have lost weight, I'd always been naturally slender, but now I was nothing but skin and bones.

I winced; thinking of how I must look sitting next to such a picturesque man, Edward Cullen. If I were him I wouldn't give me the time of day either. I was nothing special; I couldn't even be considered average anymore. My hair was overgrown, in dire need of a trim, my eyes sullen, dead before the rest of me, that and I had nothing special or wonderful to contribute to the world- unless forming smoke o's was a much needed talent.

I couldn't stop myself from picturing Edward's future. I didn't know exactly the job he'd hold, but it would be something important. He wore suit and ties every day, and he looked absolutely breathtaking in it. He had the ideal American life, the nice house, gorgeous wife, 2.5 kids, the picket fence, and the dog. I, Bella Swan, would never fit in that picture.

Sadden by the thought, I shoved it away. I shouldn't be thinking about him anyway. Thinking of him left me longing for more, and I would never get more. I was dying.

I shifted my train of thought expertly over to Jacob Black. He was the polar opposite of Edward. Granted he was good-looking, but more in a childlike manner. Whereas Edward made my blood boil and my heart race in anticipation, Jacob was soothing and comforting.

I continued comparing the two men in my life as I drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

To Be Continued..


End file.
